Three Years Later

I wish I could say that I’ve changed, but looking back at my old posts, holy shit. My 2011 and 2012 posts were way better than my 2013 to 2014 posts…

I feel like I was hiking up a nice mountain, decided to hang off the edge, fell off and broke several bones, and then swore at the mountain for my own stupidity.

But then again, isn’t it always like that when you look back at the past? You realize how different things are, and how dangerous close you still are to the past. Is it bad that I can still imagine myself making the same mistakes?

Yet, hopefully my 22 year old self is in much better shape.

My last post was at the start of my ABET program at BCIT. Since then, I’ve moved on to the third year of that program, and my throwing up situation is….. slightly better, at best. Remarkably, there are many aspects that haven’t changed in my life. I still find homework to be a chore, I still have the same feelings I had then, and I’m still writing dumbass blogs the same way.

On the other hand, my marks are pretty reasonable, I have a job lined up, and my last fuckup is still the same as from my old blog posts, so that’s not bad.

It’s been four years.

I want myself to change. I want my mind to think differently. Is that possible? I know people can pretend to believe something enough that they delude themselves into thinking it’s true.

Maybe I just to pretend harder.

Only then can I package my thoughts into a corner, far within my mind. Never to be opened again.

It’s probably for the best, both for myself and for my friends.


While looking back at the past, I’ve discovered (surprisingly, to me at least) that I know very little about things that I think I know a lot about. Was it of my own misunderstanding, or did I just not realize because of my own lack of self-awareness? Did I see things that much differently from how they saw it? Did I mean that little, or was it because it was during that time?

Is my story really that different, or do I just not ponder and appreciate it as much? Am I afraid of knowing the truth? I am.

I’m always scared of the truth.

Even now, I’m delusional. Every day I think something that’s not true.

It’s not because of my self confidence. What little that remains of it will be alright.

I’ll be alright.

I think.



I’ve been feeling sick whenever I go to school. The worst thing is that I don’t even know why. I just feel like throwing up when I get into the bus.

And after I eat.

And when I’m in class.

And the fact that I think I’m allergic to coffee now???

It’s really a bother, especially during class. I don’t know whether to go to the washroom in case I throw up, or just try to copy down notes as fast as I can. Gosh, I just want to do well in school, and I’m enjoying most of my courses. It doesn’t help that I think I developed an allergic reaction to coffee, I think.

I had a cup of Tim Hortons last Monday after lunch to keep myself awake, but then my throat started feeling really dry and tight. Couldn’t even stay in class to listen to lab instructions, but nothing happens in physics anyway. And when I had a coffee just yesterday the same thing happened.

I guess I don’t drink coffee anymore…

Besides that, I guess my life is okay.

Courses are pretty interesting, and I have some great teachers. I enjoy BLDG 1000, 1050, 1200, and 1600. Drafting, building materials, construction, and structures. A lot of the courses correlate quite well, and many of the new topics and ideas get covered in different ways between the classes. CAD seems to be fun too, but I haven’t had enough classes to decide whether or not it’s going to be a challenge.

On a side note, getting all the supplies for these courses makes me feel more like an architect, especially having to carry around a drafting tube with my drawings. I’m quite proud of the T square I made as well. My mom had the end piece of her old drafting T square, and I attached a piece of bamboo flooring to it. It’s quite sturdy, so hopefully it’s actually straight LOL. I 90’d it with a 30 60 90 triangle, but I don’t actually know if the piece of wood is perfectly straight. Welp, time to find out next time I draft. And I’ve had to clean off my desk so I can actually draw. I used to have stacks of books and random stuff sitting around the edges of my desk, but my T square needs to slide around now.

Hopefully I can get an internship next year during the summer. Need to replenish my bank account and get some good experience. My course is one of the few at BCIT with no co-op opportunity. Honestly the only thing I’m worried about is getting into the 3rd year of the program. At the rate my physics classes are going, I’ll need to spend a lot of time reading the textbook by myself, which might actually make it worth considering I spent so much on textbooks. I should probably try to save for a new computer next year. Cept there are a ton of birthdays in October, gotta make it rain money. And plan a gift for secret santa as well.

Eh. Onwards to another week of feeling sick.


Welp, it’s been a while since I last blogged. Usually when I have a good idea to blog about, I forget about it when I start writing, or sometimes i just don’t have enough on that topic and end up deleting my post. Having said that, I’ll dive right into the first topic of the day.

Life is shaping up pretty well? I think so, at least. One and a half weeks of summer left. To think that summer passed by so fast. It comes with growing up, you don’t experience as many new ideas or concepts, and days seem more routine. I’m quite anxious for the coming school year. I’ve never been a model student, and hopefully I’ll be able to stay on top of things. I know that the moment I fall behind, I lose most of my ambition and drive. If I can keep my marks up, I’ll be fine. And it’s going to be exciting as well. I love drafting, and admiring different works of architecture. I’m quite proud of my jack-of-all-trades side, and I’m not too shabby a handyman, so it should be one of my strengths. Though, the hour bus ride to bcit……. RIP my life. Actually, RIP my social life in general for the next four years. 7 classes this term, 12 the next…………………….. gotta finish my oreimo game before school starts ezpz

Also, I haven’t done too many major fuck ups recently, so woot……

I feel like I’m slowly getting more chill. I think that’s a good thing, and I’m gonna work on that. I dislike my temperamental side, and whenever i’m on tilt or salty, I’m usually more upset at myself. I’m still emotional for the most part, so small things that I encounter change my mood easily.

Well, I’ll save my other topic in mind for a later date, that way I’ll maybe blog again in the future. (n o p e)


I can’t decide how to put myself down.

There’s no avoiding the truth, this really is my own fault.

I’m a horrible person.

I could say I’m disappointed in myself.

I feel like shit.

I probably am shit.

Up and down.

What i heard today made me feel down. Its hard enough for me to discern my own feelings, and even then i know its something im sad about. Its not really about relationships and dating. I wouldnt have confessed anyway. I wouldnt even date anyone unless i was in university and doing well in my classes. Who would want to date some trash who worked minimum wage. And besides, i could end up losing a friend. Which brings me back to the beginning.
I guess im sad because i know how hard itll be to mantain a friendship with someone who i dont have much background with, let alone see more than once every few months. If skype didnt exist i dont think we’d even be friends. Personally, ive worked hard to try to close the gap, trying not to make a fool of myself. Which i have, on numerous occasions. It sucks when youre bad at making jokes or thinking of good comebacks. Some people are just better at those things. I dont even know what good qualities i have, now that i think about it.
I could pull out some optimism. This could be for the better. Who knows, things might change anyway. The best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry. Pretty sure i got that right without checking the actual quote. Good stuff.
And im scared of rejection too lol. But thats not really too much of a bother to me. 3popular5me man. 0 expectations ezpz.

Life is easy right?

Valentine’s Day.

Another year has passed, but I still feel as young and uncertain as I did when I left high school. Have I grown at all? imnottalkingaboutmyheightTT_TT

Mistakes I’ve made before, they won’t ever leave me. Is that good? Is that bad?

It certainly feels bad.

At least I know some I won’t make ever again.

But it doesn’t make me feel very proud of who I am as a person, if in fact i have any pride at all.

What I’ve done before is who I am today, is it not?

But who I am today might be different from who I was before.

Then am I me because of what I have done, or who I am now?

I can’t say I like who I am.

I don’t have much to show for myself anyway. What have I accomplished?

If theres someone I like, would they even take a moment to glance at me?

I wouldn’t even think I’d cross their mind even while they were talking to me.

As insignificant as a block of ice in the winter.

There’s a time for love, and a time to simply pass it by.

I don’t think it’s my time.

In a long time.