I wish I could say that I’ve changed, but looking back at my old posts, holy shit. My 2011 and 2012 posts were way better than my 2013 to 2014 posts…
I feel like I was hiking up a nice mountain, decided to hang off the edge, fell off and broke several bones, and then swore at the mountain for my own stupidity.
But then again, isn’t it always like that when you look back at the past? You realize how different things are, and how dangerous close you still are to the past. Is it bad that I can still imagine myself making the same mistakes?
Yet, hopefully my 22 year old self is in much better shape.
My last post was at the start of my ABET program at BCIT. Since then, I’ve moved on to the third year of that program, and my throwing up situation is….. slightly better, at best. Remarkably, there are many aspects that haven’t changed in my life. I still find homework to be a chore, I still have the same feelings I had then, and I’m still writing dumbass blogs the same way.
On the other hand, my marks are pretty reasonable, I have a job lined up, and my last fuckup is still the same as from my old blog posts, so that’s not bad.
It’s been four years.
I want myself to change. I want my mind to think differently. Is that possible? I know people can pretend to believe something enough that they delude themselves into thinking it’s true.
Maybe I just to pretend harder.
Only then can I package my thoughts into a corner, far within my mind. Never to be opened again.
It’s probably for the best, both for myself and for my friends.
While looking back at the past, I’ve discovered (surprisingly, to me at least) that I know very little about things that I think I know a lot about. Was it of my own misunderstanding, or did I just not realize because of my own lack of self-awareness? Did I see things that much differently from how they saw it? Did I mean that little, or was it because it was during that time?
Is my story really that different, or do I just not ponder and appreciate it as much? Am I afraid of knowing the truth? I am.
I’m always scared of the truth.
Even now, I’m delusional. Every day I think something that’s not true.
It’s not because of my self confidence. What little that remains of it will be alright.
I’ll be alright.