It’s 2:30 in the morning, and I’m sick.


I should probably go sleep soon, but I just drank a cup of hot chocolate……….yeah not gonna be sleeping anytime soon.

Also, too much to think about @_@

So, time to talk about relationships.

Why relationships, you may ask, at this late hour?

Because why the fuck not.

I’ve only been through one and a half relationships. (that half doe) And when I think back at them, I really don’t think have a nice personality.

I used to consider myself somewhat of a nice person, back in elementary school and a bit into high school. But then when I looked back at the things I did and what kind of person I was, I realized that I was just another dude who had his ups and downs. I had a conversation with a few friends a week ago, talking about what I’d feel if I met myself in real life. Cause with everything I know about myself, and thinking about what I’d think, I’d really hate to meet myself.

I have a damn big ego. I would be so pissed cause I know I’d never take myself seriously, or even consider my own opinions to be right. I’d argue with myself so much, insult myself, and then never talk to myself again cause I’d hate my own guts. I’d know when I was pretending to listen, or when I try to be a counselor or some psychologist. And I’d hate myself cause I know how lazy I am. I hate my kind of people. I show up late to things, yet I hate it when people are late. I’m impatient, selfish, and arrogant. Damn.

Oh, and I can’t forget when I rage in league games. Holy fuck. I should have been banned so long ago.

And to think my friends actually deal with my shit.

Well, I’d still have to give myself +.01 points for saying sorry a lot. And trying to change, at least.

But .01 out of 100 isnt worth much.

So much for trying to get a date.

Now that I think about it, I wouldn’t be a good boyfriend anyway.

Actually, what the fuck.

There’s so much to lose by trying to get into a relationship. You could get kicked to oblivion with a rejection, but that honestly wouldn’t dent my arrogance much. The worst part would be losing a close friend. Not even by much. They could stop talking to you and start avoiding you. And even if you did get into a relationship and it didn’t work out you’d still have a high chance of losing a close friend. To any degree. Why would any reasonable person want to attempt something like that?

Best case scenerio, you’d maybe date a while? A while as in maybe a year? Half a year? A few months? Weeks? Days?

Worst case? Everything could go wrong?

Man, the payout on this is like buying a ticket for a lottery that only gives you 500 dollars, but if you lose you’d be in debt.

Why do I even want to play this game? The hands aren’t in my favor. And when they are, I lose anyway.

Does getting a date count as a win? Does dating for a year count as a win?

Can you even win? Are you supposed to?

Like my friend said, might as well be doing more useful things instead. Can’t lose out by doing useful things.

There’s everything to lose and nothing to prove in the end.

What’s left?

A slight dent in a horribly big ego.

A train of hurts.

And yet, I’ll still play my hand, if that means giving up everything.


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