About Anirev, fireworks, and other random somethings.

So I’m not allowed to volunteer at Anime Revolution.

Something something it’s like asking to work at a casino or smoke cigarettes.

Okay.

I’m not nearly as disappointed about it as having to tell the staff that I’ll have to jump ship.

But that’s done and done.

And actually, to say I’m not that disappointed is more of an understatement.

Ever since my friends volunteered there, I’ve always wanted to experience an actual anime con.

I’ve never been to pax or any other huge con, and besides, I was really looking forward to it.

They did already ask me if I could work tech, which would have been my preferred role anyway.

Bleh.

It might have been a highlight of my summer, but I’ll just push that aside.

There’s other highlights of my summer.

Fireworks was quite nice today. Didn’t think I’d be able to go, but gratefully enough, made it at 4.

The trip was pleasant, and we managed to secure a spot with, indeed, quite a good view, kudos to rachoo.

On the way back, I had a slight incident.

But I’m really thankful I have someone who’s got my back.

Thanks man.

You’re the best.

Hey.

They say fireworks are romantic.

I guess they are.

 

Story of my life.

What’s there to say.

It got summed up quite nicely yesterday.

“Fked up royally.”

I can look back on all the blog posts I did if i really needed proof for that.

But I don’t, because it happens often enough to remind me anyway.

I can always see it coming because it’s me.

It’s hardly a surprise these days.

If at the least I could say I don’t make the same mistake twice, then I’d be fine even if I made new mistakes.

Hey, I’m willing to bet I’d be out of most of the mistakes to make. At least the probable ones. I’ll give myself the benefit of the doubt that I’m not borderline retarded.

But sadly, I can’t.

Not the borderline retarded thing, cause then…..well…….actually then I’d have an excuse.

But no, I can’t say that I don’t make the same mistake twice.

Can I even call it a mistake.

At this point I can’t even tell.

…..It’s like I’m not even trying.

And that’s what it is.

Not trying.

Why don’t I.

I don’t know.

When was the last time I told myself I’d actually fucking do something?

Every time.

And when did I actually do something?

Never.

Story of my life.

Always the work half done.

I can’t even keep track of everything I’ve only half done.

Let’s see what I can list off from the top of my head.

Visual novel from 2 years ago. The one with Alyysia or something. Something something heart condition.
Visual novel from 4 years ago. Something something never finished anyway, barely started.
RPG from 2 years ago. Barely finished, rushed it.
RPG currently. Aka 2 years ago. Incomplete. But ill admit, if i ever finish it, it’s gonna be pretty badass. 10% done.
Visual novel currently. WIP, if it even qualifies as in progress. aka Not going to be done for a while unless I get some epiphany.
Block of wood. Supposed to be a handle. It’s a block of wood.
Assassins creed hidden blade made out of popsicle sticks. It’s a pile of popsicle sticks. And a bit of glue.
Design of marble counter, floor plan. The border’s done. Been done for a month and a half.
University. College. Whatever it is.

All around me people are talking about their courses and plans for the future. Classes. Majors. Degrees. Schedules.

I’m too ashamed to even say anything.

I don’t have a plan for my future.

What can I say?

Grade 3. I started writing the shittiest compositions of my life. What a great start to a failure of a school career. First time I played a computer game. Sim city. Fuck you sim city.

Why didn’t I fucking do well in grade 4. HOW DID I EVEN MANAGE TO DO POORLY? ITS FKING GRADE 4 AM I ACTUALLY RETARDED?

Why didn’t I fucking do well in grade 5?

Why didn’t I fucking do well in grade 6?

……Grade 7. I don’t have any words for it.

How did I even get into middle years?

Grade 8. Failure of a student who just never did shit.

Grade 9. Rinse and repeat.

Grade 10. Actually, not that bad of a year. I honor rolled for the first time. The first time.

The first.

damn.

time.

Actually disappointed IB didnt accept me with 6 A’s, but who’s to blame anyway. I wouldnt take in a failure if I saw a pattern.

Grade 11. Eh, not that bad either……? No chem was bad at the end.

Grade 12. The one year that decided my life. I won’t say anything about it.

There’s nothing to say.

It’s a page filled with scrawls and ragged lines. Drawn upon and then some.

A useless sheet of paper.

And now when I look back at the joke of my life, I can’t even see past the blurs.

I haven’t ever done something and told myself that I was sincerely proud of who I was.

Maybe proud of something that I had done at the moment.

But my life?

It’s just like the unfinished visual novel.

Sure. There’s a good intro to it.

But that’s all it is.

How do you rate something incomplete?

With a zero.

It doesn’t matter that it looks kinda nice.

It doesn’t matter that it works well until you get to where it leaves off.

It doesn’t matter that the content is brilliant.

It doesn’t get anything.

It doesn’t deserve anything.

Hey, I’m a decent guy.

I don’t go out of my way to do anything that will make you dislike me.

I’m usually friendly, and if I’m tired you’ll still get a hi.

I’m mostly sociable. I can probably strike up a conversation.

But probably make a fool of myself at the same time. LOL. I’m bad at jokes.

And if I may, I don’t think I’m ugly.

I’ve often wondered. How different would I be if I had a degree to my name.

This world barely cares about who you are as a person.

They’re just accessories.

Nice things that if you’re lucky, you get.

The icing on the cake.

But no, if you can slap your degree on the table, you’re in.

I’ve set myself up to be nothing.

And that’s all I am.

TLDR: Nothing.

Huh.

Honestly, I haven’t figured out my life yet.

I’m still the same as I’ve always been.

….I’m pretty sure I’ve talked to someone about this before…..

Do I think people change?

I can’t even answer that question honestly.

Yes? People turn their lives around. They pick themselves up and run.

They make mistakes and fall down. They make bad decisions.

Is it because I don’t believe that I can change?

….I started writing this believing that I probably couldn’t do much to really change who I am.

………..But maybe I can. Can’t is just an excuse not to try. I don’t believe in excuses, really. The word itself begs to be looked upon with contempt.

….yeah.

Sure, I don’t mind receiving excuses. But what’s the point anyway. You’re just trying to push responsibilities, even if it isn’t your fault.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d say there’s a difference between an excuse and a reason. Excuses are more of a fault on someone’s part, in my definition of the word. Reasons aren’t limited to faults or incidents.

Just pick up what you have and run. There’s no point stumbling or looking back, except to remind yourself about what not to do.

…….on a separate train of thought, it’s like when you’re improvising a piano song. Just need to know what not to do.

And on an entire different topic, I don’t talk much to my parents.

It’s normal, i guess, to some extent.

It’s not like a lot of……….teenagers/young adults have the perfect relationship with their parents.

I’d assume most of them have strained relationships for the most part.

Or if I’m wrong, then…..welp.

but anyway.

When I’m asked a question which I need to consider the answer to, I usually don’t say anything until I’ve thought about it for a while.

And when I’m being lectured, why talk back?

Eh, idk what I’m talking about anymore……. too off topic and I need to finish reading this reddit post.

Im out.

Oh, and silver in B division for dragonboating

woot.

Probably most memorable race of my career.

./saves in memory.

 

Today.

>:

I hate myself.

Overdrew on my account.

Got billed to the ground.

I’m fking retarded.

As if the day couldn’t get more depressing.

Had an old member of dragonboat visit.

uh

Life is hard.

Welp.

It’s 2:30 in the morning, and I’m sick.

>:

I should probably go sleep soon, but I just drank a cup of hot chocolate……….yeah not gonna be sleeping anytime soon.

Also, too much to think about @_@

So, time to talk about relationships.

Why relationships, you may ask, at this late hour?

Because why the fuck not.

I’ve only been through one and a half relationships. (that half doe) And when I think back at them, I really don’t think have a nice personality.

I used to consider myself somewhat of a nice person, back in elementary school and a bit into high school. But then when I looked back at the things I did and what kind of person I was, I realized that I was just another dude who had his ups and downs. I had a conversation with a few friends a week ago, talking about what I’d feel if I met myself in real life. Cause with everything I know about myself, and thinking about what I’d think, I’d really hate to meet myself.

I have a damn big ego. I would be so pissed cause I know I’d never take myself seriously, or even consider my own opinions to be right. I’d argue with myself so much, insult myself, and then never talk to myself again cause I’d hate my own guts. I’d know when I was pretending to listen, or when I try to be a counselor or some psychologist. And I’d hate myself cause I know how lazy I am. I hate my kind of people. I show up late to things, yet I hate it when people are late. I’m impatient, selfish, and arrogant. Damn.

Oh, and I can’t forget when I rage in league games. Holy fuck. I should have been banned so long ago.

And to think my friends actually deal with my shit.

Well, I’d still have to give myself +.01 points for saying sorry a lot. And trying to change, at least.

But .01 out of 100 isnt worth much.

So much for trying to get a date.

Now that I think about it, I wouldn’t be a good boyfriend anyway.

Actually, what the fuck.

There’s so much to lose by trying to get into a relationship. You could get kicked to oblivion with a rejection, but that honestly wouldn’t dent my arrogance much. The worst part would be losing a close friend. Not even by much. They could stop talking to you and start avoiding you. And even if you did get into a relationship and it didn’t work out you’d still have a high chance of losing a close friend. To any degree. Why would any reasonable person want to attempt something like that?

Best case scenerio, you’d maybe date a while? A while as in maybe a year? Half a year? A few months? Weeks? Days?

Worst case? Everything could go wrong?

Man, the payout on this is like buying a ticket for a lottery that only gives you 500 dollars, but if you lose you’d be in debt.

Why do I even want to play this game? The hands aren’t in my favor. And when they are, I lose anyway.

Does getting a date count as a win? Does dating for a year count as a win?

Can you even win? Are you supposed to?

Like my friend said, might as well be doing more useful things instead. Can’t lose out by doing useful things.

There’s everything to lose and nothing to prove in the end.

What’s left?

A slight dent in a horribly big ego.

A train of hurts.

And yet, I’ll still play my hand, if that means giving up everything.

Summer……

Certainly feels like summer is on the way. Even though the cherry blossoms just came out a few weeks ago. And my classes will be officially done today….

And life continues.

I still don’t really know what I’ll do if I can’t make it into SFU.

There’s so much I dream of doing, but everything seems to be fading. At what point will I know when I’ve failed at life?

How much further can I fall before there’s no way out?

Time ticks on.

Days pass by.

Slowly I’m getting older.

Life is but a shadow in the passing of the sun.

When it reaches the end of the day, it will dissipate into the night.

How can I make the most of what little time I have?

Oh, I should work on the VN.

Or my RPG.

It’s like the story of my life. Always getting halfway through something. The few thing’s I’ve completed won’t make up for all the unfinished projects I’ve started.

Can’t I pull through?

Time to set some real goals, maybe.

1. Work on VN this week. At least get some story down.

2. Get out of bronze by next week. fking bronze.

3. Enjoy this hot chocolate I’m having then get my ass to Langara to take my exam.

LOL.

Okay, so as I figured I haven’t been keeping up with the tumblr blog either lulz.

Maybe if I leave it alone long enough it’ll start to update itself

hue

I’m so dull.

Much feelings though, lately.

Watched Oreimo and that really threw me off…

The ending was so bad >_>

Main character y u do dis

I guess in a way it was cute that he made that choice but

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY G_G

KURONEKO PLS

PLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ

main character i hate you.

what a waste of a night spent watching it

I should have stopped when things we good @_@

haaah.

Id give the series an 8/10

just for kuroneko.

<3

But it wasn’t toooooo bad?……

Certainly doesn’t top Anohana or Angel Beats imo

Maybe I should find a job.

SFU pls accept ;~;

please? TT_TT